THIS is the Unofficial Start of Summer?

Readers Beware: Most of this short post is going to be a total downer, an all-out bitchfest about the non-epic start of our three-day weekend. List form for your convenience.

We just finished watching an excellent win by the Boston Bruins to clinch the Eastern Conference Semi Finals series against the New York Rangers, which at least ends today on a positive note. But the start of our long weekend hasn’t exactly been stellar. Here’s why.

1. Friday night movie and wine plans destroyed. Epic battle to try and get belligerent toddler to go to sleep fails and we end up letting her jump on the couch until 10:30pm, when Braedan wakes up with excruciating ear pain. He’s crying and being really obstinate, which makes it REALLY hard to be sympathetic. I give Braedan medicine; we put the two of them back to bed, whisper “Go the f*ck to sleep” under our breath. I look longingly at the Blu Ray of Argo that’s been sitting on our TV stand for weeks. We shut off the lights; go to bed.

2. We are woken at 2am, and then again at 6am. More ear pain and other, more unspeakable problems. During the second wake up call, everyone winds up in our bed. The kids flail around, ask for breakfast multiple times, complain about being uncomfortable, talk and talk and talk and generally just make it unpleasant to be there. Rich gets up first with Colin, then I get up a little while later with Braedan, feeling tired and grouchy and in a general hazy fog.

3. We start doing chores because the house is a disaster. Legos everywhere. The dining room table covered in shit (figurative) and piles of unfolded laundry covering every seat in the house.

4. Rich tries to upload videos from his fancy new video camera onto our computer only to realize the computer has no memory left. Gets really grouchy. Starts lecturing me about responsibility. I get defensive and give him my death stare.

5. Boys bicker, misbehave and are put in many consecutive timeouts.

6. Oh yeah. It’s f*cking pouring cats and dogs outside.

7. I call the doctor’s office to see if they can fit Aria and Braedan in during their Saturday sick visits. They can. And I take them to the doctor’s – but not before I consider stopping off for a couple of HAZMAT suits. I sit in the waiting room feeling suddenly ultra self-conscious about my flip-flopped, pedicure-less feet and watch as a roomful of sick kids play and share toys. F*ck. It’s only a matter of time now, I think. After 20 minutes, we are called in. Braedan: flaming ear infection; Aria: just some leftover fluid.

8. We come home grouchy. The kids complain about the tuna sandwiches I make them for lunch. Rich loses all his videos in the madness and confusion. I put Aria down for a nap.

9. Braedan refuses to eat his lunch. I put it in a baggie. Rich waits 45 minutes for Colin to finish his sandwich so they can go food shopping and I can write while Braedan watches a movie. Colin stalls. Talks gibberish and screams at random intervals. Rich waits, gets angrier as time passes. Finally he gives up and watches the Lion King with both boys instead. I eat leftover Tofu Pad Thai while I write, listening with one ear as Pumbaa and Timon sing Hakuna Matata. I love that song.

10. Movie over, Rich tries to get Braedan to relax and read; Braedan gets mad, throws the book to the ground then gets put into a time out, threatened with various punishments and then sent for a nap. (I think about throwing my computer to the ground in the hopes that I’ll get sent for a nap but decide that wouldn’t be the best example.) Rich takes Colin to run errands. A while later, I text him a picture of Aria and I smiling, with the caption “We love you.” He texts me back saying he’s been pulled over for his expired inspection sticker. I’ve been reminding him about that inspection sticker for months. Geez. Then my phone rings and it’s Rich asking me if my license has expired. “Why?” I ask. The officer that pulled him over asks if his wife’s name is Michelle. When he tells the officer yes, the officer answers, “You should let her know she’s driving with an expired license.” I hang up the phone, check my wallet. Yes. Expired. Nearly a year ago. WTF. Renew immediately online. Rich comes home and says never to remind him of the laws he’s been breaking.

11. People are getting hungry but I’ve prepared nothing for dinner. By this time the Bruins’ game is about to start. So I give the kids meals of varying acceptability. Braedan: his leftover tuna sandwich, pasta salad and corn; Colin, a turkey and cheese sandwich, pasta salad and corn; Aria: a reheated chicken patty, three French fries, corn and blueberries. But I serve dinner on paper plates on a mat on the floor in front of the TV, tell them it’s a picnic. Suddenly, their dinners are fun and exciting and things are looking up around here.